The Hill

We all should expect to experience the moments of “What IFs” that will inevitably bombard and sometimes seem to attack our lives from time to time.  We should know that there will be periods of time that cause us to expend energy pondering what is next, what could be and what should be.  We should understand they make us second guess our actions, thoughts and others.  Why then is it so difficult at times to have the ability to know which “What If” is the right one to expend our energy on, and which “What If” is going to be the next one to focus on after that? Which “What If” thought process will lead us to the next step, the next path, that will ultimately lead us to that proverbial dream we all desire to reach?

I have those moments where I say to myself, “That was one of the more stupid choices you have made”.  We all and should have those moments.  There are some that I wish I could take back, get a second chance, or flat out wish, with every fiber of my being, that I never did.  Then, at that same moment, I say to myself, that I am glad I did it.  I am not glad of the outcome, that obviously was not the desired result.  More of a thank you to the fates for the lesson learned.

I am at a period of time in my life where I feel bombarded and at full fledged war with the “What Ifs”. It is almost like that proverbial dream is there on top of a hill, in the middle of the field, just feet away from me.  However the road I am on and must take, is heading in the wrong direction away from that hill.  I know I can not take the shortcut and just walk off the road, and cut through the field to get to “the hill”.  I know doing so will leave me pondering “What If” I am on the wrong hill, never mind the fact that climb there will leave me feeling empty and undeserving.

I do have one thing that is seeming to work out in my favor in the war with the “What Ifs”.  It is the knowledge that I know for now, I am on the right road.  There are many forks up head, and they all seem to lead me away from that “hill”.  The only thing I wish and pray for, is the hope, the strength, the wisdom learned and the wisdom yet to be learned, will lead me to the ability to make my way back to “The Hill”.