Empowering My Faith Over Fear


Giving all of yourself, or to state more accurately, allowing yourself to give all of yourself to someone else is sometimes more difficult than looking into the eyes of a child and leaving them with an unanswered question to “How” or “Why”.  Those of us that have done such of an act know just how heart wrenching it can be.  Obviously, the act of giving yourself to someone is not just in a physical sense.  Compared to the other essences we can define as “yourself” our physical self is by most, the easiest part to give.  What about the other parts or essences of yourself? Can you honestly say that you have given someone all of yourself? Have you given someone not only the knowledge of your most beloved dreams but also handed them the knowledge of your most dreaded fears?  Have you ever informed or shown someone just how to uplift your spirit as far as the heavens above while also teaching them just how to drag your soul down to the very gates of hell?  Have you given someone so much and everything of yourself, that if they were to walk away, your very existence would seem to walk away with them?

Yes? No?

I can honestly say “No” I have not given all of myself to anyone.  I have came close, oh so very close, to giving someone that much power over me. I have walked down that path only to stop at the fork, and chose to take the other path.  I do not .. no.. I do know why I chose to walk the other path instead of allowing myself to feel the release of giving the ultimate gift.  That reason being nothing more than fear.

It is nothing more than fear, stated like it is some simple thing that should be as easily cleaned up and tossed away like droplets of spilt milk.  So if it is nothing more than fear stopping me, holding me back, not allowing me to extend all of me to someone else, not allowing me to ascend to that higher feeling of wellbeing, then why do I not just face it, become a “David” and smite my “Goliath”?

We all know that when it comes down to it, fear is no little thing.  There is no easy way turn to and face such of a primal emotion and beat it back like it was not some goliath of almost unfathomable power.  That is just it, isn’t it?  It does not really have unfathomable power.  It only has the power that we give it.  So, how do you not give it power?  How do you take away that what you have already given it?  How do you turn your stone and point it at yourself?  Faith?  Take a line read off of a 30 second commercial and “just do it”?

I guess it is faith that is really holding me back.  Maybe it is not the fear.  The fear that if I give someone all of me, they would use it against me.  Maybe it is the lack of faith.  Not faith in a god or a belief system, but a lack of faith in myself.  Maybe if I had more faith in myself, that if I did give someone access to all of myself, and they did use the knowledge and turned it back against me, I would, in the end, still be able to stand up and use the experience to not only learn from it, but to also make myself stronger in my faith to be able to dust myself off and try again.   Well, at least I have something to put that extra energy into now that I am taking it away from fear..   Right?

The Hill

We all should expect to experience the moments of “What IFs” that will inevitably bombard and sometimes seem to attack our lives from time to time.  We should know that there will be periods of time that cause us to expend energy pondering what is next, what could be and what should be.  We should understand they make us second guess our actions, thoughts and others.  Why then is it so difficult at times to have the ability to know which “What If” is the right one to expend our energy on, and which “What If” is going to be the next one to focus on after that? Which “What If” thought process will lead us to the next step, the next path, that will ultimately lead us to that proverbial dream we all desire to reach?

I have those moments where I say to myself, “That was one of the more stupid choices you have made”.  We all and should have those moments.  There are some that I wish I could take back, get a second chance, or flat out wish, with every fiber of my being, that I never did.  Then, at that same moment, I say to myself, that I am glad I did it.  I am not glad of the outcome, that obviously was not the desired result.  More of a thank you to the fates for the lesson learned.

I am at a period of time in my life where I feel bombarded and at full fledged war with the “What Ifs”. It is almost like that proverbial dream is there on top of a hill, in the middle of the field, just feet away from me.  However the road I am on and must take, is heading in the wrong direction away from that hill.  I know I can not take the shortcut and just walk off the road, and cut through the field to get to “the hill”.  I know doing so will leave me pondering “What If” I am on the wrong hill, never mind the fact that climb there will leave me feeling empty and undeserving.

I do have one thing that is seeming to work out in my favor in the war with the “What Ifs”.  It is the knowledge that I know for now, I am on the right road.  There are many forks up head, and they all seem to lead me away from that “hill”.  The only thing I wish and pray for, is the hope, the strength, the wisdom learned and the wisdom yet to be learned, will lead me to the ability to make my way back to “The Hill”.